What You Really Wanted
by Noelle McHenry
Summary: ... wasn't this, was it? Spoiler warning, and also slash/yaoi/boy love. Written for a special someone in my life, who gave me the idea for this story.
1. Game Over

Madison Paige knew the minute she first laid her tender brown eyes upon Ethan Mars that she was in love with him. She tended to all of his wounds whenever he would return to the Cross Road Motel injured, and even when he rejected her love, she still couldn't get him off of her mind; she still sacrificed everything she could for him.

That was probably why it was so heartwrenchingly painful to watch the love of her life get shot to death by Lieutenant Carter Blake and his fleet of men while trapped in the squad car of Detective Ash, the Lieutenant's partner.

"ETHAN, _NO_!" She screamed as she pressed her face and hands against the window, fogging up the glass as she sobbed.

With each individual gunshot, Ethan's body spasmed, and another stream of blood shot out of him. When the gunfire came to a slow halt, Ethan slumped over lifelessly. It wasn't long after that when little Shaun Mars, so disoriented even before this happened, stumbled out of the old warehouse he'd been trapped in and collapsed down next to his beloved father.

"Dad, _no_...! _Dad_, wake up... _Don't leave me alone_...!" The child cried as he held tightly to his dad. Sitting in the police cruiser, Madison found herself feeling immensely jealous of the kid for some reason, even as she continued to bawl.

* * *

It was mutually decided to bring Madison and Shaun back to the local police station. They were brought back in separate cars, however, so they later felt no real connection to one another, as they had never been properly introduced.

Upon entering the station through its typical underground parking lot entrance, being led by a rather anxious-looking Lieutenant Blake, Madison had no clue what exactly she felt about _anything_ anymore. A part of her that she'd discovered in Ethan was now dead, and that fact was ripping the rest of her apart.

As soon as they walked into this cluttered station, the first thing that Madison vaguely noticed was that someone was marching toward them, anger showing through in his movements alone. After a brief moment of thought, Madison came to recognize this person as Agent Norman Jayden of the FBI, whom she only knew due to her connection to the press.

Blake opened his arms wide as Jayden approached, so judging by this, Madison suspected that he must have been taken aback when the Agent raised his hand and delivered to his cheek a rough slap. He then pointed his finger at the older man as some sort of threatening gesture and got up in his face, his own face drained of color, though the red hot rage could be seen in his desaturated green eyes.

"You and I, whatever we _had_; it's _OVER_." He snarled through grit teeth in a voice dripping with contempt. And then, just as abruptly as he'd arrived, he shoved past Blake and everyone behind him, and promptly left the station.

Blake spat and rubbed his face a bit, grinding his teeth as he did so. "Fuckin' asshole... Thinks he's so fuckin' high and mighty..."

Madison then watched as Blake stormed out into the parking lot after Jayden. He quickly caught up and grabbed the taller man's arm, yanking him around to face him. They would still be within earshot of Madison if she lingered around by the doors, so for some reason she couldn't quite understand yet (though she subconsciously called it her _woman's intuition_), she did.

"So, what are you gonna do, huh, _Nor_man? You just gonna run away from your problems like the fuckin' _coward_ you are, huh? _Huh_?!" Blake bellowed loud enough to be heard in Seattle.

"I wouldn't _have_ to, Cahtuh, if you weren't such an _ahsshole_! I _told_ you that you were _wrong_, but _oh, no_, you just _couldn't_ buhlieve me, because Cahtuh Blake is the only pahson who can _ever_ be _right_!"

"You're just butthurt that you don't have anyone to run and _cry_ to anymore! What, you thought that Mars would _always_ be there for ya? Well _guess what_, Norm? He's _fuckin' dead_ now! He's _DEAD_! _And_, and what the _fuck_ made you think that he'd even want to be around a _faggot_ like you _anyway_, huh?! I bet he couldn't fuckin' _stand_ you!"

Madison watched in numb shock as Jayden's mean front shattered, and the younger man started to tremble.

"I cahnnot _buhlieve_ you, Cahtuh. You aren't even _human_!" He choked as he wiped at his face a bit, but then with new-found strength, he toughened up a little bit and pointed back toward the doors of the station.  
"Get the _fahck_ out of my face, Cahtuh. Get away from me."

"I'll be happy to. Now just go back to Washington and fuckin' _drown_ there for all I care." With one final middle finger raised to Jayden, Blake turned around and stormed back into the station, walking right past Madison.

It wasn't hard to tell just how hurt Jayden had been by this argument, what with his horribly distraught facial expression, how he covered his mouth to muffle his weak, ragged sobs, and how he was seemingly unable to do anything more than just stand there in the middle of the parking lot and just unleash all of his emotions, built-up to supposedly unbearable proportions by the case that had just been completed, in the form of some kind of emotional breakdown, just out of everyone's eyesight but Madison's.

Madison, however, didn't care too much for Jayden's troubles at that moment. She was still reeling from the revelation that Ethan and Jayden had been a thing together. It registered that Ethan had rejected her because of Jayden, and because of this, she was overcome by a violent, all-encompassing _hate_ for this pitiful man who stood crying not too far away from her.

However, as Norman coincidentally happened to slump to his knees and begin crying just a little bit louder, Madison's thought process recoiled due to the sheer level of incomprehensible hate that had suddenly flooded through her.

Norman's love was what Ethan had wanted, and now he could never have it...

... or _could_ he?  
It was then that Madison had an idea that had never, ever, occurred to her before.

If Ethan wanted Jayden but never had the chance to show it or have it reciprocated, then she would pursue this love for him...

... and _as_ him.


	2. Recognition

Eight months or so passed before Madison Paige could begin her quest to love Norman Jayden for the sake of Ethan Mars. Of course, the hard part was finding Jayden again to begin with. His address wasn't exactly public information, and after the Origami Killer case, he faded back into obscurity within the FBI...

... That was, of course, assuming that he was even still part of the FBI. If he wasn't, then Madison had absolutely no leads on how to find Jayden.

So that made it a surprise to Madison as she was sitting around in the mall when she saw Jayden in casual clothing (which looked _far_ too warm for the weather), walking around seemingly aimlessly. Seeing him, she pulled down her hood and stood up, hoping she was quick enough to be noticed in the ex-FBI Agent's peripheral vision.

She was, thankfully, and Jayden glanced over at her. It took him a brief moment, but then his expression went blank, and his jaw dropped a little.

Staring at him, Madison knew she must have had a concerned expression on her face, which would only help her with her cause.

Jayden's eyes started to water, as she could tell by his rapid blinking.  
"_E_-..." He gulped. "_E_-_Eth_-... -_an_... _E_-_Ethan Mars_...?" He stammered.

Madison nodded slowly. She understood why he had mistaken her for Ethan - she had, in fact, spent the last eight months undergoing a sex change and surgery to look just like Ethan Mars.  
It was crazy, yes, and improbable, but she'd done it.  
It was expensive as hell, too, and in the end, the only thing she'd been unable to do was change her eye color.  
As such, she was wearing sunglasses right now. If Norman noticed the different eye color, she honestly had no idea what to tell him.

Jayden, still obviously shocked shitless, stumbled in Madison's direction, staring straight at her with transfixed eyes.

"Holy _Christ_..." He started breathlessly. "_Is_... Is it really _you_?"

"... Yes. It's really me." She replied, praying that she sounded enough like Ethan as to not ring alarm bells for Jayden.

"Oh my _God_... _I_... I thought you were _dead_!"

Before Jayden could say much more, Madison grew relatively impatient with the distance between them and suddenly pulled him close into a hug.

"... _Oh_," was Jayden's only immediate response.

"Norman, I've missed you so much."

"I... God_dahmn_ you, Ethan..." That said, Jayden finally hugged back.

* * *

Since she had no clue where Ethan actually lived, and she doubted that Jayden knew where _she_ lived, Madison simply brought Jayden back to her own apartment with the story that Ethan was hiding out there for a while until he found an appropriate time to reveal himself to Shaun.

However, she could tell that something about this story didn't register well with Jayden, even if he didn't say anything about it.

"Why don't you take off your sweater? It's really stuffy in here." Madison said after Norman had done nothing but awkwardly sit on the couch for several long minutes.

He seemed to snap back into reality at that moment, or else he simply just wasn't expecting to be spoken to.  
"O-oh, uh, n-no, that's fine. I'm naht haht."

"You sure?"

He nodded and held his arms tightly against himself, making Madison wonder if something else was the problem.

However, she said nothing about it, and instead brought him a mug of coffee.

"Oh, thanks."

Apparently, as the mug was handed over, the two of them shared the mutual realization that Jayden's hands were fucking _huge_ compared to Madison's. Hand size was not something easily changed by sex change surgery, as Madison had discovered.

"Uh... Hm."

"... What?"

"Nothing, I just..." Norman narrowed his already-moderately-narrow eyes a bit. "Maybe it's silly, but I kinda remembuh your hands being _larger_ than this."

Madison froze up. He'd noticed. And now he was looking up toward her face, toward her eyes. Quickly she turned her head away, but it didn't seem that she was quick enough.

"Were your eyes _always_ brown?"

Madison choked on words for a moment. "Y-yes."

She was failing. She was failing, and she knew it. Jayden was becoming suspicious.

"... I thought they were bl_uuh?_" Norman's sentence didn't end with a coherent word, mainly because Madison shoved him down onto the couch and sat over top of him.

"Norman..." She mumbled. "I have something I need to tell you..."

Jayden only stared up at her expectantly, patiently waiting for her to say whatever it was that she needed to say.

"... I love you. I've always loved you, from the moment I saw you. I've always loved you, and I always will."

She watched quietly as Jayden's pale face flushed with her words before she continued.

"I'm sorry if this is too sudden or if it strikes you as odd... Just know that if you want to leave here now and never talk to me again, you can..." She would've said more, but Jayden prevented her from doing so by grabbing her shirt collar, yanking them closer to each other, and then locking lips with her in a deep kiss.

Even though Madison wasn't even the one in love with Norman Jayden, the kiss from him still made her heart pitter-patter with excitement and her thoughts race wildly.

For a long moment, neither of them moved. Then, after what felt like a blissful eternity, Jayden broke the kiss and opened his eyes ever so slightly.

In a hushed, breathy voice, he said, "I thought I'd _nevuh_ hear you say that to me."

It was then that Madison realized that Norman's hand had been trailing down her chest and was now resting still against her belt buckle.

"One more time... Just for old time's sake?"


	3. You're Bad at Hiding Secrets

After the most envigorating sexual experience of her entire life, Madison Paige, as Ethan Mars, lay in her bed. Beside her was Norman Jayden, ex-Agent of the FBI, who had been her partner for said experience and was now asleep.

Madison herself was still somewhat surprised by Jayden's suggestion of having had sex with Ethan before, and also, not to mention, by just how easy it had been to get into his pants. Hell, she'd only just picked him up from the mall a few hours ago...

However, throughout the experience they'd had, Norman had repeatedly cringed in apparent pain, and still refused to remove his reddish-orange sweater.

Madison decided that now would probably be the best time to examine him, so she gently moved the blanket. The light from the fluorescent sign outside the window gave her enough light to see, even when she was blocking it, it seemed.

The first thing she noticed were the marks on Jayden's hips and upper thighs. These marks looked very much like they had been made by fingernails, and they looked rather fresh, which made Madison question how she hadn't noticed them until now.

Seeing as Jayden wasn't exactly the world's heaviest sleeper, he was beginning to stir ever so slightly. Madison knew she had little time to waste, so as carefully as she could without waking him, she turned him over onto his back and gently lift his sweater.

Raising the sweater, she was treated to the not-so-pleasant sight of several dark bruises, some old, some new, painting his abdomen. Some of them, on his sides, were very clearly made by fingers pressing hard against his skin and digging into his flesh.

Madison couldn't help but gasp, and since Jayden had been on the verge of waking up, he fidgeted and made a noise loud enough to startle Madison further. However, instead of actually waking up, Jayden only subconsciously pulled his sweater back down, turned onto his side again, and pulled the blanket back up to cover himself.

If Madison weren't still sitting up and starting at him with wide, concerned eyes, it would have seemed as if nothing had ever happened.

* * *

The following morning was particularly strange, but only because of Jayden's behavior; he was playing _wife_ for _Ethan_.

Madison honestly found it to be quite cute, but it also struck her as _incredibly_ odd, since Jayden didn't seem to be a particularly _happy_ young man.

After about half an hour of pampering "Ethan", Jayden glanced down for what must've been the hundredth time to a silver wristwatch he wore, but this time, he cringed nervously.

"Er, uh, _dahmn_, I need to, mm, go to _work_." After mumbling this, he cleared his throat and stood up.

"Where do you _work_ now, anyway?" Madison asked as casually as she could.

This question had not, apparently, been one that Jayden had thought he would be asked, as upon hearing it, he froze.

"Uh..."

"Are those bruises you have all over your torso part of the job?"

Jayden paused for a long moment.  
"... No. No, they're... something _different_."

"They look fresh... What are they from?"

Nervously, Jayden did some sort of subconscious lip movement.  
"I don't really wanna talk about it."

Shortly after, Jayden left Madison's apartment, leaving the ex-journalist to wonder just what kind of job the ex-FBI Agent had now.


End file.
